Diary Update:

Yesterday was my 30th birthday, and I’m feeling a bit lost and uncertain. I always thought that by the time I hit 30, I would have made significant progress in my transition, but that’s not where I am right now. I’m struggling with my identity and confidence, and I feel like I’ve regressed into a cocoon-like state. It’s hard to say when I’ll break out of it, but I know I will.

Turning 30 has hit me harder than I expected. I feel like I should have everything together by now, but I don’t. Instead, I find myself struggling with the same issues I’ve had for years. I’m at a low point, and it’s tough to pull myself out of it. But I know I can. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

Despite feeling down, I had my family around me, and they reminded me of the connections we share. They celebrated my achievements and reminded me that it’s essential to celebrate what I have accomplished. They helped me feel loved, even when I don’t love myself.

My stepdad, Swampy, even got me two makeup sets for my birthday that I’m looking forward to using. With the help of some YouTube videos, I’ll learn how to do my makeup correctly and feel more confident in my appearance. We shared an expensive cake that was way too sweet, and I found myself questioning every bite and how it would affect my diet. But sharing it with loved ones helped me clear my mind, sit down and write this post. Maybe I’m already coming out of this dip in the depression wave. I hope so.

I share my low points within this blog to show that I also suffer. However, I want to assure you and anyone reading this that I’ve overcome depression many times, and so can you. It does come in waves, but it gets easier to handle each time. It’s essential to surround yourself with loved ones and do things that make you happy, even if it’s just for a moment.

So, here I am, 30 years old and struggling, but I know I can overcome it. I’ll break out of this cocoon-like state soon and emerge stronger and more resilient than before.

In addition to struggling with my identity and confidence, I’m also facing some bureaucratic hurdles in my transition. I need to chase the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) for the second assessment from Dr. Gurleen Bhatia. While I have already received the first assessment and my local GP has received it, they are not willing to support me until they have the second assessment. This second assessment has already been done prior to getting blood works and I have been told this was done in the wrong order, and it’s frustrating that I’m being held back by paperwork. But I won’t let this setback defeat me.

Although it was great being around family on the 29/04/2023 where we celebrated both my birthday and my stepdad’s due to the close dates, as of now and writing this diary post, I have been feeling rough, with a sore throat and flu-like symptoms. So on my birthday, I sent an email to GIC asking to reschedule my upcoming Speech and Language Therapy (SLT) session, as I believe it would be rendered null and void. It’s frustrating to have to deal with these health issues on top of the bureaucratic hurdles in my transition. However, I remain optimistic that I will overcome these obstacles and come out stronger on the other side.

Personal Goals:

Days without Alcohol: 60D 23h 33m 11s